I am sure our story starts like everyone else’s. My husband and I met at Institute (bible study, for those who don’t know), fell in love, got married, and thought we would ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after. We have been married for six years and in those six years; of course, we talked about starting a family. For me, it was never the right time. I wanted to be married for at least five years before we had our first child because I wanted to make sure my hubby and I had time to ourselves first while we were young. I wanted to have a college degree. I wanted to be financially stable, emotionally prepared, spiritually overloaded, etc, etc, etc. The list went on. As we hit our five year anniversary and we were no where I thought we should be in our life to have children, I realized there is NEVER going to be a right time according to the unrealistic standards that I set. I was baby hungry and tried to convince myself that we weren’t in the right circumstance to have children, but Heavenly Father had a plan and I listened to the Spirit and my husband and I started trying. It was no easy task. We had one issue after another health wise trying to conceive. And when I say health wise, I don’t mean either of us having any health issues that would indicate that I could not have kids. It had been about a year of trying and nothing. Our six year anniversary came and still no baby. We prayed and fasted and the month after our anniversary (so this November 2010) I found out I was pregnant. When I found out, I couldn’t believe it. I was in shock. I was thrilled. It felt like a miracle. (At this point, we had no had idea how much of a miracle it was.)
The day I found out, I had a million emotions running through my head. I went to the doctor to confirm my pregnancy and then went on a mission to find a creative way to tell my hubby. I must mention that I have dreamed of this day ever since I was a little girl. I wasn’t one that planned her wedding as a young gal, I was more excited about how I would tell my hubby, family, and friends I was pregnant. Anyway, back to the story. I told my hubby and he was more shocked than I was. The look on his face after he figured out my clues and the moments afterward that we sat silently in joyful bliss was the best moment of my life. All those days of wondering and dreaming how it would feel to say, “I’m pregnant!” and to share that special bond with my hubby was finally here and it was worth every second.
The week following the great news, we started to digest the fact that we were going to parents. My husband started calling the baby “Peanut” and that is how we referred to it. Well, my husband was convinced it was a girl, but of course I was too early for it to even be a boy or girl. I was already attached. I think as a women once you find out your pregnant, an instant bond is shared.
My world came crashing down a week after discovering I was pregnant. Early Sunday morning on December 5th, 2010 I woke up at two in the morning to use the bathroom. My hubby was still up watching TV and as I used the restroom I saw blood. I was groggy from just waking up, but as soon as I saw it, it was as if the wind had been knocked out of my stomach. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I knew it was bad. It seemed like hours had passed before my husband walked in the room and saw me frozen and in shock. That is when I started hyperventilating. I sat down and started bawling. During that time I started googling to see if I was having a miscarriage. The signs I read online didn’t seem to indicate I was having a miscarriage and then I read that some women bleed during their first trimester and the baby still comes out fine. That made me feel a little better. My husband made me go to bed because after all it was 2 in the morning and what could we do. I wasn’t in any physical pain. So I tried to fall asleep, but the whole time I laid in bed I was so worried. Somehow I feel asleep and when I woke up agonizing over the “what ifs” and the not knowing I started to have severe stomach pain. I thought it was in my head and I tried to ignore it, but I knew I wasn’t making it up. The pain would come and go, which made me hesitate in any further action such as going to the hospital. But the paranoid first time mother in me decided on being cautious. I asked my husband if we could go to urgent care and he asked if he could jump in the shower real quick. I wasn’t in immense pain at the moment so I agreed and then I figured I should probably get ready, too. While I was showering the emotional reality of it all got the best of me and tears just came. That didn’t last too long because the worst stomach pain I have ever felt hit me. I couldn’t stand up. I made it out of the shower and laid on the floor. I knew at that moment something was very wrong. It lasted a few minutes and then it went away. I got up and prayed and prayed to Heavenly Father to help protect the baby. That he would bless that he/she would be okay. That we would still be able to have a healthy baby in August.
We got to urgent care and we got in right away. As soon as we got back to the room, the nurse said, “I didn’t want to say this to you out in the waiting area for privacy reasons, so I brought you back here.” I knew at the moment they weren’t going to be able to help me. She told us of the possible scenarios that could be happening and that urgent care had no equipment that could help me determine the cause of my problems. She urged me to go the Emergency Room and my hubby and I looked at each other knowing that the ER is extremely expensive. As we walked out she asked me if were going to the ER and I said, “I think so.” She stopped me and convinced me to go. She said her sister had an ectopic pregnancy and almost died from it and that although the ER is expensive that it does not outweigh the cost of my life.
Off to the ER we went. At the ER, the doctor told me what tests he was going to run in order to determine what was going on. He said first a pelvic exam and then if necessary an ultra sound. My pelvic exam turned out to be just fine which made me anxious to be released to go home with a diagnosis of a “threatened miscarriage” and excited for my return back to the hospital in 9 months. However, the doctor ordered an ultra sound. The ultra sound took a really long time and the technician kept coming in and out the room and doing more images, which at the time I should have known was a bad sign, but I was so tired of being at the ER for so long that at this point I didn’t think anything of it. As I was being rolled down the hall to the ER wing of the hospital I saw my doctor coming towards my gurney where he gave me the news. I had an ectopic pregnancy. The baby was growing in my left fallopian tube and not in my uterus. He said the ultra sound showed blood in my abdomen and that I would have to have surgery right away. He had called a surgeon in to take over my case. At this point, I was still naive; I didn’t understand what an ectopic pregnancy was and still believed I would still have this baby. The surgeon arrived and explained everything. She said there is no way to save the baby. There isn’t a way to take the baby and put it in the uterus. Science has not yet seemed to figure out this procedure. She indicated that the chance for me to have another ectopic was high because I had already had one, but she has had many other women go on to have healthy babies even after an ectopic. This gave me hope. She told my husband that if everything went according to plan the surgery would take an hour at the most. Two and a half hours later Jake finally heard from her with news that the surgery ended up being more complex than anticipated. She explained that as the baby grew in my fallopian tube it got too big and it busted the tube. This is the reason why I had internal bleeding. She said that there was over half of liter of blood that she removed out of my stomach and that she had to remove the left fallopian tube. She continued to explain that she discovered that I had severe endometriosis and that she had spent an hour trying to remove as much scar tissue as she could. She was unable to get it all and said that because of the endometriosis my right fallopian tube is badly damaged. This means that if we were lucky enough to get pregnant again, it is highly likely that it would end up being an ectopic pregnancy as well. She said it was a miracle we got pregnant in the first place and if we wanted to have kids in the future, that in vitro fertilization would possibly be the only option.
I was devastated to find out that the possibility for us to conceive a baby to full term was slim. After all of the hoping and praying that the Lord would entrust us with taking care of one of his children we thought our prayers were finally answered. I thought we had faced the biggest hurdle, which was getting pregnant. I was prepared that day to face a miscarriage and I can accept being diagnosed with endometriosis. What I was not prepared and still can’t believe is that in vitro is our only option now. Game-changer. Knowing that we have to start all over again, I can only describe the feeling as heart aching.
The days after the surgery were a blur to me. It didn’t help that I was on painkillers which made me drowsy. I was sad that we had lost our baby, but the reality of the situation had not truly dawned on me. I kept waiting for the anger to set in, but that first week it didn’t. I remember being so focused on how we would pay for in vitro and trying to plan it all out. I wanted a baby so bad that I carried and looked like us, but my plan and Heavenly Father’s plan is not always the same. A few days after surgery I prayed, which I am sad to admit was the first time I prayed after that awful day. I am not exactly sure what the purpose of that prayer was, but a very clear firm voice said to me, “In vitro is not going to work. I told you to adopt.”
