Tonight is not a good night. It is one of those nights where I just want to throw things, yell, and ugly cry. This is actually the first time I have felt this way over our loss. Up until now, I think I have been handling/coping with all this better than I thought I would. I didn’t think that this would be my reaction after my doctor’s appointment today. This was the first time I have talked to my surgeon since I had surgery and as she walked into the room and said that she wanted to discuss my infertility plans with me I almost lost it. Infertility.
To hear it from a doctor made it real. Of course, deep down inside I knew what was going on was infertility, but I didn’t want to admit it because in my mind I still have been hoping that one day I’ll be able to conceive a healthy baby. That’s what has made these past two weeks bearable. As I sat there in the doctor’s office listening to her talk about in vitro and endometriosis, I felt like I was living in the scene of one of those bad Lifetime made-for-TV movies. As I was choking back tears and trying to swallow the lump that had formed in the back of my throat I thought to myself: Is this really happening? Am I really infertile? Why me? The more she spoke, the more my hopes of one day bringing a little Jake or little Lana into this world was dimming. She described how there was no cure for endometriosis and that the growth could be controlled only through birth control, but if I was going to continue to “try” or do in vitro, we couldn’t go that route. She said that since she removed quite a bit of the endometriosis that although we have a very slim chance of conceiving, that if we do want to the prime opportunity would be to do it now, or sooner than later because since we aren’t doing anything to control the endometriosis, it could come back stronger and cause more damage to my other reproductive organs, which would make the slim chance turn to no chance. She said she would never tell a patient that could never conceive because miracles can happen and if I did get pregnant I would have to come in right away to run tests and ultra sounds to determine where the baby was. If it is another ectopic, they would need to remove it right away so it won’t burst the tube. My mind is reeling at this moment. We may have to start trying soon if we want to have any chance at all? What? If I get pregnant, I won't even be able to enjoy it because I'll be so stressed that it is an ectopic and if it is I may have to go through all of this emotional let down again?
I don’t think I could handle this again so soon or at all. But the thought of us never being able to bring a child into this world the natural way is such a painful feeling I can’t put it into words. I thought I was okay with adopting. In fact, yesterday my sister-in-law and I were just talking about us adopting and I was so excited and so hopeful, but today I feel hopeless. I think it is because reality is starting to set in that we may never have our own children. I have been hanging on to that sliver of hope that someday we will, but there has to be a time where I let that go. I don’t know how long that will take, but this is all still so new. It’s only been 2 weeks since I found out of my infertility issues, but for some reason I am convinced that I have to be super women and be okay and moved on by now. On top of all this, after we left the doctor’s office, we went to our post office box to check our mail and there was a stack of medical bills in there from my surgery. Before, I was hopeful that the means would be provided for us financially, but after opening one bill after another and seeing each total in the thousands, my heart sank even further. Tomorrow will be a better day, but tonight I just want to sit in a dark corner and curse at the wall. (Very un-mormon like I know, but it's the truth.)
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