Reflection

I feel like I have lost all sense of time.  It was probably a week before Thanksgiving I started weeping some private tears for no apparent reason at all.  I didn’t understand, I was content and happy, so it didn’t make sense.  And yes I have to add, throughout this year there has been happy times. 

Yes, there are good days.

It’s hard to remember that when it seems that I only post when I’m hurting or going through a rough time, I really need to write more when  life is good.  It’s a new goal for me for the New Year, but for now I’ll excuse myself because it still is only the first year and I am still coping, dealing.  And that’s ok.  There is no exact timeline for grief. 

Anyway, back to my weepiness.  I didn’t realize what the tears were for until someone had mentioned that Thanksgiving was coming up, so I looked at the calendar and in complete shock Thanksgiving was a week away!  I am telling you, I was in utter disbelief.  Where did this year ago?  And then it dawned on me, a year ago this time, I was pregnant.  Thanksgiving last year, yeah, pregnant.  The following Monday after Thanksgiving I found out I was pregnant.  That day I told my husband and it was the happiest moment I can remember.  Pure complete joy.  That week I was on cloud 9.  I felt like I was on top of the universe.  And then as quickly as the joy appeared, it vanished quicker than I could blink.  It’s true when they say, “Your life can change in a second.” 

So as you can see these past couple of weeks have been tougher than I could have imagined.  Relieving the emotions of one year ago has been a lot tougher than the due date, which is what I dreaded.  Maybe because this is tangible.  It happened.  Then it dawned on me. 

It’s been almost a year and I am still alive.

This didn’t kill me.

In fact, quite the opposite, it’s made me a stronger person.  I have learned more about myself this year than I have ever in my entire life.  I am closer to God now than I have ever been before.  I have learned that I have no control in anything in  my life, therefore I have no other option but to rely on the true essence of faith.  In the end, it’s all about perspective. I can look back on this year as the hardest year of my life or the most rewarding year of my life.  I choose the latter. 

"When something bad happens, you have three choices.

You can let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you".