Finding peace in the journey

This summer I learned a lot of things about myself and the infertility journey.  

The biggest one occurred during a time I least expected.

August 4, 2011.

I dreaded this day. 

It would have been my due date.

I had no idea how I would be this day.  I honestly just thought I would be a wreck. 

That day came.  And not only did I grieve the loss of our baby, but I grieved the loss of my grandmother who raised me.  She passed away the week before and I had to fly out of state to plan her entire funeral.  I hadn’t let myself grieve for her because I was so focused on planning thee perfect funeral, so when I finally could it happened to be the same time our baby was due.

I was not a wreck.

I cried and grieved and was sad like a normal person would.

I felt some very strong emotions, but the following Sunday was fast Sunday and these very strong emotions got the best of me (or it was the Spirit). It made me go up and bear my testimony. And folks, this is a big deal.  I don’t do that.  I hate to admit that the last time I bore my testimony was 13 years ago!  I know that’s bad, but this is completely beside the point.  As I sat down after bearing my testimony this overwhelming sense of peace came over me.  Something I had not felt since that day I had surgery.

The peace I felt was so strong.

So overwhelming

and

so unexpected.

I realized that God does have a plan for me.  That it really did work out.  My goal was to have a baby before my grandmother passed away so she could see our baby, hold our baby, love our baby.  If it was a girl we were going to name it after her.  I desperately wanted that more than anything.  When I found out that I was pregnant in November I just knew that my baby had made it in time to meet my grandma.  My grandma wasn’t sick, but she wasn’t getting any younger either.  When I had loss the baby and then heard I could no longer have kids I knew that my dream of her meeting our child would not happen. 

Then she passed away a week before my due date and I realized 

she did get to meet our baby.

She got to meet our baby even before we did.

She gets to hold our baby.

Love our baby.

Take care of our baby until it’s our turn to reunite.

And the thought of her holding hands with our baby and never leaving his or her 

side brings me so much comfort.  

This thought brought me the peace I so needed. 

One day the Lord will reveal all things.

(D&C 101: 32-36)

God does have a plan for each and every one of us.

We just have to have the faith to do His will.

You will find peace too.

No matter what trial you are going through, whatever journey you are on, 

I know that everyone needs peace.  It will come. 

It does not mean that your trials will no longer hurt you or make you sad, it simply means you KNOW everything will work out in the end. Remember that if it doesn’t it’s not the end.