One Year

It hurts to think about what we went through, what we are still going through, and for what lies ahead.

I sometimes try to find the humor in the situation just to get through those moments, you know the one that stings and tears start to fill up and really you just don’t feel like going through all that again.  Just when you think have you have no more tears left to cry, somehow they find a way to break through.

Its hard not to think of what you would have been.

I prayed for you constantly to be healthy, but no matter how many prayers were for you, it just wasn’t part of His plan for us to raise you here on this Earth.

I have to accept that.

But today, when my arms are empty, they long for your tenderness, your warmth, and for the joy I know you would have brought into our lives.

As I look at pictures of my adorable nieces and nephews it hits me on what I’m missing out on… with you.

I know I can’t dwell on the what if’s, but today I can because one year ago you changed my life.  

I can’t forget that.

And tomorrow… well, tomorrow is a new day and I will smile tomorrow.

Reflection

I feel like I have lost all sense of time.  It was probably a week before Thanksgiving I started weeping some private tears for no apparent reason at all.  I didn’t understand, I was content and happy, so it didn’t make sense.  And yes I have to add, throughout this year there has been happy times. 

Yes, there are good days.

It’s hard to remember that when it seems that I only post when I’m hurting or going through a rough time, I really need to write more when  life is good.  It’s a new goal for me for the New Year, but for now I’ll excuse myself because it still is only the first year and I am still coping, dealing.  And that’s ok.  There is no exact timeline for grief. 

Anyway, back to my weepiness.  I didn’t realize what the tears were for until someone had mentioned that Thanksgiving was coming up, so I looked at the calendar and in complete shock Thanksgiving was a week away!  I am telling you, I was in utter disbelief.  Where did this year ago?  And then it dawned on me, a year ago this time, I was pregnant.  Thanksgiving last year, yeah, pregnant.  The following Monday after Thanksgiving I found out I was pregnant.  That day I told my husband and it was the happiest moment I can remember.  Pure complete joy.  That week I was on cloud 9.  I felt like I was on top of the universe.  And then as quickly as the joy appeared, it vanished quicker than I could blink.  It’s true when they say, “Your life can change in a second.” 

So as you can see these past couple of weeks have been tougher than I could have imagined.  Relieving the emotions of one year ago has been a lot tougher than the due date, which is what I dreaded.  Maybe because this is tangible.  It happened.  Then it dawned on me. 

It’s been almost a year and I am still alive.

This didn’t kill me.

In fact, quite the opposite, it’s made me a stronger person.  I have learned more about myself this year than I have ever in my entire life.  I am closer to God now than I have ever been before.  I have learned that I have no control in anything in  my life, therefore I have no other option but to rely on the true essence of faith.  In the end, it’s all about perspective. I can look back on this year as the hardest year of my life or the most rewarding year of my life.  I choose the latter. 

"When something bad happens, you have three choices.

You can let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you".

Finding peace in the journey

This summer I learned a lot of things about myself and the infertility journey.  

The biggest one occurred during a time I least expected.

August 4, 2011.

I dreaded this day. 

It would have been my due date.

I had no idea how I would be this day.  I honestly just thought I would be a wreck. 

That day came.  And not only did I grieve the loss of our baby, but I grieved the loss of my grandmother who raised me.  She passed away the week before and I had to fly out of state to plan her entire funeral.  I hadn’t let myself grieve for her because I was so focused on planning thee perfect funeral, so when I finally could it happened to be the same time our baby was due.

I was not a wreck.

I cried and grieved and was sad like a normal person would.

I felt some very strong emotions, but the following Sunday was fast Sunday and these very strong emotions got the best of me (or it was the Spirit). It made me go up and bear my testimony. And folks, this is a big deal.  I don’t do that.  I hate to admit that the last time I bore my testimony was 13 years ago!  I know that’s bad, but this is completely beside the point.  As I sat down after bearing my testimony this overwhelming sense of peace came over me.  Something I had not felt since that day I had surgery.

The peace I felt was so strong.

So overwhelming

and

so unexpected.

I realized that God does have a plan for me.  That it really did work out.  My goal was to have a baby before my grandmother passed away so she could see our baby, hold our baby, love our baby.  If it was a girl we were going to name it after her.  I desperately wanted that more than anything.  When I found out that I was pregnant in November I just knew that my baby had made it in time to meet my grandma.  My grandma wasn’t sick, but she wasn’t getting any younger either.  When I had loss the baby and then heard I could no longer have kids I knew that my dream of her meeting our child would not happen. 

Then she passed away a week before my due date and I realized 

she did get to meet our baby.

She got to meet our baby even before we did.

She gets to hold our baby.

Love our baby.

Take care of our baby until it’s our turn to reunite.

And the thought of her holding hands with our baby and never leaving his or her 

side brings me so much comfort.  

This thought brought me the peace I so needed. 

One day the Lord will reveal all things.

(D&C 101: 32-36)

God does have a plan for each and every one of us.

We just have to have the faith to do His will.

You will find peace too.

No matter what trial you are going through, whatever journey you are on, 

I know that everyone needs peace.  It will come. 

It does not mean that your trials will no longer hurt you or make you sad, it simply means you KNOW everything will work out in the end. Remember that if it doesn’t it’s not the end.

**Editor’s note: I wrote this post June 20,2011, but for some unknown reason it was in my draft folders.  Silly me I must have left my brain somewhere else this past summer.  Anyway, after re-reading it I decided I should hit publish.**

Excuse my hiatus

It’s me again.  

Yes, I am still alive.  

I know I have been quiet, but I needed some time to think.  

And that’s exactly what I did. 

I have been trying to find myself again; trying to find what it really means to lose the dream of being a Mother in my prior definition of motherhood. 

I have been trying to accept the things which I cannot control.

I have been trying to wipe away the thoughts of wondering what it would be like right now if I was still pregnant.  I would be almost 8 months along…

I am still dealing with all the stages of grief.  I wish I could say that time has helped, but what I did not know was that school was a REALLY good distraction and now that I am out, the sadness has increased.

The anger, the guilt, the blame, the sadness…still there.  Not everyday, but enough to know life is unfair and I wish I wasn’t going through this.

But on my journey to find peace, I know one thing for sure and that God hasn’t left me.  

He is still by my side.  He has a plan for me.  And that plan gives me HOPE. 

He has a plan for you, too.

 I know everyone has their trials and some days it is rough, but we’ll get through it. 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That’s how I felt at church today.

For some reason going to church is a reminder that I can’t have kids.  Maybe because there are so many pregnant ladies at church or maybe because that is where we have been drilled in our heads that we must replenish and multiply the Earth.  As much as I have been doing much better with the idea of me not being able to have kids, there is still a wave a hurt that hits me when people talk about pregnancy or announce their pregnancy.  I know it is big part of life, so it is a subject that is hard not to be spoken of in church, but today was worse than others.

It seemed like there were so many people who announced pregnancies today.  It seemed like that was what everyone talked about.  And in relief society there was cheering and clapping when someone shared that they were pregnant.  Don’t get me wrong, I am at a point where I am truly happy for people.  It is a happy time and people deserve to enjoy it.  I can’t blame someone for not knowing what it is like to be on the other side.  I would certainly hope that one day if I do get to have a miracle and get pregnant that people would be happy for me.  But it’s the wave of hurt knowing I can’t experience that.  It’s the feeling like an outcast.  I wonder if I will ever get the chance to be that excited and share my pregnancy news.  Then I think if I adopt, will people be just as excited for me? Will it be similar to having my own baby or will people react differently because it’s not the same as having my own child? 

In those moments like today, I don’t know how to react.  I am excited and happy for those who are beaming with pregnancy glow, but at the same time I am fighting back tears.  It’s an awkward and lonely spot to be in.  But I know I am not alone. I know that these feelings are normal and that one day I will be a mom.  And for now, I am just glad to have HOPE again.

Love this poem*

LIFE…

Life is full of unexpected changes.

It’s not always fair.

Keep your faith high to avoid feeling 

too low and defeated.

Who ever is around you, influences you.

What ever thoughts you think about, define you.

What ever feelings you have the most, control you.

If you want to have more success, peace and progress inyour life, you can start right now…

Whatever challenges you face, God will show you His grace

Whatever you start…finish it.

Whatever you promise…deliver it.

Whomever you love…show it.

Whatever you pray…believe it.

Whatever you earn…save some of it.

Whenever you fall…get back up.

Whatever you do…do it with quality and enthusiasm.

Whatever you have…be grateful for it.

Whatever you want…work for it.

Whatever you lose…get over it.

Personal storms and bad weather 

happen in everyone’s life.

It is not during the calm waters that a sailor learns how to master the sea.

It is during the storm that he learns his skills.

And so it is with your faith.

It will be tested and you can only learn how to use it during the difficult times…

not when life is smooth and comfortable.

-unknown

Waiting: My thoughts on adoption today*

There are only a few times in my life that I have felt the Spirit so strongly.  One vivid account was when I was told that we needed to move to Cambodia.   I still have no idea why that was.

As far as adoption goes, I have always felt we needed to adopt.  I just didn’t know that we would have to adopt.

But, nevertheless, I have felt the Spirit so strongly tell me throughout my life that adoption was part of our plan and again, shortly after having surgery and being told we couldn’t have children.

I am overwhelmed with emotion each time I think of the day that our child’s birthparents choose us; acknowledging that we are indeed the child’s parent’s. 

I am overwhelmed to know that there will be a beautifully long emotional, painful, and joyful story that will come with finding our child.

I am overwhelmed to think that our child may already be waiting for us and we don’t know it.

Or maybe he or she is still waiting in heaven.

I am overwhelmed to know that someone’s excruciating pain will be my dream true.

I am overcomed with emotion to think of the day when my husband and I will go to the temple, in all of its sacredness and beauty, to bring our child there to be sealed to us for all time and eternity.

I am so anxious for us to meet the rest of our family.

So why then is he telling me to wait?

He says,

“My child, I have given you the answers of what you must do.  It is not time yet.  

You must wait.”

To which I say,

“But Heavenly Father, we have waited for sooooooo long.  We’ve been married for 6 ½ years and we have been making plans about starting our family, even before we were married.  We’ve dreamt of this day.  We tried for so long.  Months of months of negative pregnancy tests, to finally get a positive (!), only to have it bring upon devastation.  We so desperately want to start our family.  We want to fill that gap that has been missing in our family for what seems like it has been there for longer than I can bear.  We want to move towards completing our family.”

He responds,

“You are a child of God.  And as child on Earth, you simply cannot understand everything I know, which includes my timing.  Like a child you will not be able to understand why things must be done this way.  It wouldn’t make sense and it may not even be fully revealed to you until you return back to me.  Have faith in knowing I have a plan for you.  Wait.”

Waiting is part of the process of becoming what God wants us to be.

-Unknown

So I am waiting.  

And waiting.