And the adoption emotional rollercoaster begins:
We met with out adoption caseworker on Thursday and I have been trying to digest it ever since. I thought I would be just as excited as the day before when I got the phone call saying that our meeting got bumped up, but instead I left the meeting dazed and overwhelmed.
As I sit here and stare at the pile of paperwork we need to fill out in order to just "pre-qualify" I am deeply saddened at the symbolism of it all. At this moment this is how I feel:
Bringing a child into this world is the most sacred and precious event any two people can do. From the beginning of time, we have been commanded to multiply and replenish the Earth. And as women, we have been naturally instilled that one day we will get pregnant and have children. It is our duty and a beautiful gift that Heavenly Father has entrusted us with. What could be more sacred than conceiving a child and having it grow inside you for safe keeping until he/she is ready to brought into this world? You and their Father essentially gave life. Can you think of anything more sacred than that?
To sit here and have to complete paperwork so that I may be come a Mother and Jake a Father, indeed is very unnatural, but sometimes a necessary means and a different way in starting a family. Please don't take this as me downplaying adoption. I love adoption. I believe that every adoption is a miracle and that it is beautiful. I know that in it's own way it holds a different ora of sacredness. It is just right now, I am deeply saddened that the sacredness of becoming a Mother naturally is taken away by the task of paperwork. How is it fair that someone else gets to decide that we are worthy to be parents? How is it fair that the fate of us being called Mom and Dad is in the hands of someone else? I understand that if I were a birthmother I would want all of the steps taken to ensure that I was placing my child in a good home. I get that. But in my shoes I am hurt that a drug addict can have a baby without consulting anyone and we can't without doing paperwork and being studied to see if we are fit parents.
My heart aches as Jake and I have begun to realize that we may actually never have our own biological child. I can not begin to explain the hurt that resignates knowing that we may not get to experience the 9 months of watching my stomach grow or ever having a child that looks or acts like us. I didn't want to give up hope, but with adopting it makes the situation even more real that I cannot have what others can. And hope may one day lead to disappointment. I still know in my heart that our baby is waiting for us to one day adopt him or her. I know that in the end this will be all be worth it. My eyes well up with tears whenever I think about how one day we will be sealed in the temple with our child and I will know that that pile of paperwork and the adoption process is just a minor speedbump in the road. Everything is going to be okay.
We met with out adoption caseworker on Thursday and I have been trying to digest it ever since. I thought I would be just as excited as the day before when I got the phone call saying that our meeting got bumped up, but instead I left the meeting dazed and overwhelmed.
As I sit here and stare at the pile of paperwork we need to fill out in order to just "pre-qualify" I am deeply saddened at the symbolism of it all. At this moment this is how I feel:
Bringing a child into this world is the most sacred and precious event any two people can do. From the beginning of time, we have been commanded to multiply and replenish the Earth. And as women, we have been naturally instilled that one day we will get pregnant and have children. It is our duty and a beautiful gift that Heavenly Father has entrusted us with. What could be more sacred than conceiving a child and having it grow inside you for safe keeping until he/she is ready to brought into this world? You and their Father essentially gave life. Can you think of anything more sacred than that?
To sit here and have to complete paperwork so that I may be come a Mother and Jake a Father, indeed is very unnatural, but sometimes a necessary means and a different way in starting a family. Please don't take this as me downplaying adoption. I love adoption. I believe that every adoption is a miracle and that it is beautiful. I know that in it's own way it holds a different ora of sacredness. It is just right now, I am deeply saddened that the sacredness of becoming a Mother naturally is taken away by the task of paperwork. How is it fair that someone else gets to decide that we are worthy to be parents? How is it fair that the fate of us being called Mom and Dad is in the hands of someone else? I understand that if I were a birthmother I would want all of the steps taken to ensure that I was placing my child in a good home. I get that. But in my shoes I am hurt that a drug addict can have a baby without consulting anyone and we can't without doing paperwork and being studied to see if we are fit parents.
My heart aches as Jake and I have begun to realize that we may actually never have our own biological child. I can not begin to explain the hurt that resignates knowing that we may not get to experience the 9 months of watching my stomach grow or ever having a child that looks or acts like us. I didn't want to give up hope, but with adopting it makes the situation even more real that I cannot have what others can. And hope may one day lead to disappointment. I still know in my heart that our baby is waiting for us to one day adopt him or her. I know that in the end this will be all be worth it. My eyes well up with tears whenever I think about how one day we will be sealed in the temple with our child and I will know that that pile of paperwork and the adoption process is just a minor speedbump in the road. Everything is going to be okay.
1 comments:
What an insightful post. That is one of the hardest things about infertility. Watching those who won't take care of children receive them. Watching those who can have children take them for granted. Having the fate of your family resting in the hands of other people. It's frustrating and hard and downright depressing at times. I hope it helps to know that someone is thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way! You are right, everything WILL be okay. Thanks for reminding me.
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