This Weekend

What is wrong with me? 

I have been fighting back tears all day.  My eyes fill up with tears as I am driving, studying, volunteering, cooking, cleaning, getting ready, shopping.  Enough already.  People are looking at me as if I am crazy.  And I do feel crazy because I have been a lot better.  At least I think I have made some progress in the grieving department.  It is like a freaking rollercoaster ride that never ends.  The hardest part is that the only thing I can think of that explains this downhill ride is that my youngest brother-in-law is getting married tomorrow.  I chose to not go to the wedding because I knew how emotional it would be for me to see family for the first time since losing the pregnancy.  I was so torn about not going because I really like the girl he is marrying and felt I should be there to support them on their big day, but in the end I realized it would how reversed all of the progress I have made emotionally.  I just can’t go back to the despair that I was in.  I don’t ever want to go back to that ugly dark place again.  I know that I had to do what was best for me and I made the right decision, especially now that I am tearing up at everything and anything.

I should be happy for them, right?  I am happy that he has found a great girl to marry, but I can’t help but think life is so so so unfair.  (I am aware that I sound like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum.)

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew he had started dating someone and intuition told me that he was going to marry her.  In my mind I was so relieved I had gotten pregnant and felt like according to my life plan things were working out perfectly.  I would definitely have kids before my youngest brother-in-law would.  It was only fair.  It was only right.  That was the plan.  But then the same weekend I lost the baby and found out we couldn’t have kids, he got engaged to his girlfriend, and as I was trying to process the events all I could think of is how he will probably have a child before we are ready or able to even adopt.  I can’t help but think of how painful that day will be to know that their happiness of starting their family will be extremely devastating to me.  It’s like a sword through my heart every time I think of it.

Tomorrow is his day.  I know he has waited a long time to find the one and I should be happy for him, but for me it is symbolic of how life is so unfair. I know this shouldn’t be about me and I can’t believe I am writing this, but if someone can relate to this and it helps them then it was worth writing.

I am a bad person for feeling this way.  I know.  But I can’t help it.

So, blogworld friends, any advice on getting over this?  (I still have tomorrow and Sunday to deal with this!)

Bugged

I am no where ready to be okay with adoption.  The idea of accepting that you may never have your own biological children because you are adopting is so overwhelming.  To make that transition into “I can’t have my own children”, so now we are “going to adopt” is extremely difficult.  I don’t think people realize this shift that we have go through mentally and emotionally.  One day I know I will get there and the thought of adopting often times excites me, but the meaning of it right now is different to me and I am just simply not at the stage where I am ready to adopt.

With that being said, now that I am returning into the real world (and not hiding out at school and home) people are starting to find out that we are infertile and that in the future we plan on adopting.  I know that people don’t want to talk about it with us because they don’t know what to say or they don’t want to say the wrong thing or they think we don’t want to talk about it.  This is all awkward.  I don’t mind talking about it, in fact I want to talk about it.  So far, I have had quite a few people that have opened up my eyes as to how much they do understand based on friends or family who have been through this or because they are infertile themselves or because they have worked with adoptions in the past.  Of course, no one can truly understand unless they are going through it themselves, but for the most part it is nice to know that they have an idea of the pain I am going through. 

I think the best thing you can do when you know someone who is infertile is to acknowledge their pain, (no matter how long it is they have been dealing with it).  Maybe they don’t show their pain and they look okay on the outside, but trust me if your infertile there is pain.  Real gut-wrenching pain.  You don’t have to try to cheer them up, all they want is acknowledgement and someone to talk to.  At least it is that way for me (maybe I shouldn’t refer to all infertiles in this).

    

The worst thing you can do is blow off their pain.  Here are some examples of what people have said about us adopting that really bug me:

“Your adopting!  That is so great!  I wish we could adopt.” (Really?  You wish you could adopt? Guess what?  You can adopt AND you can have your own biological children.  The only reason you aren’t adopting is because you CAN and HAVE your own biological children, so why would you?  We can’t, this is our only option.)

“Your adopting!  That is a great thing!  You shouldn’t be sad, that is happy news!”  (The way they say that “it is a great thing” is making it sound like you are doing charity work by adopting.  Yeah this offends me because it is extremely sacred, by no way is it charity.  And I shouldn’t be sad?  Do you know what it does to person when they are told that it will take a miracle to have your own biological children?  A MIRACLE!!  The doctor wouldn’t even say that we have a 1% chance of having our own kids, instead she used the term a miracle, which to me is even less than a 1% chance.  Do you have any idea what pain is involved with being told that the main reason you were placed on this Earth is to procreate and your body physically can’t do it?  Do you have any idea of the grief that is involved as an individual, as a women, as a married couple to realize your biggest dream has been ripped away from you?  Do you have any idea how emotional the process of adoption is?  Someone picks you for their child they carried for 9 months, as you sit and wait and wait and wait to picked.  It could be 1 month or it could be 10 years.  Your trying so hard to live your life, but at the same time waiting.)

Okay, I am done venting. 

(I know that it seems like an angry post, but believe it or not I am actually in good mood today.)

I feel better.

Blogging is great.

I did it...

I went to my ward and stayed the whole sacrament meeting.  I sat in the back and initially, I thought it wasn't so bad, but then sacrament was passed out and there was silence.  Then the cute little kids in the pews in front me were being too darn cute, and I became envious and hurt and the tears just came.  I wanted to walk out.  I get embarrassed when I cry, but I made myself stay.  I knew this was something I had to do.  I had been feeling like I needed to go back to my ward and face it.  I needed to face all the pregnant couples, the babies, the people that know about what happened, but I don't know they know, the being different from all of them, and the uncomfortable feeling as if there is an elephant in the room. The past few months, I have been hopping from ward to ward so that I could take sacrament and go to church, but that has made me feel even more alone.  But no more.

I did it.  And now I am proud of myself for doing it.  This was a really huge step for me and slowly it has been getting better.  It hasn't been any easier, but now at least there is some sense of peace in knowing that I am dealing with it, I am overcoming my fears and trials, and I WILL BE okay.

Infertility Steps

One thing I have learned about infertility so far is that you literally have to take it one hour at a time. 

Today was a good example of that.  I had a good morning and afternoon, despite shelling out a gazillon dollars to fix our car.  I have been feeling a little more normal this week.  But then this evening as I was looking over my calendar I realized that tomorrow I have an OB/GYN appointment to follow up on my surgery, discuss endometriosis, talk about birth control, talk about infertility, etc….. 

Then that stupid sharp pain in my heart came again, so I quickly got busy and I was okay, but then I ran errands.  In the car I found myself with tears falling down my face.  Oh those ugly wet things, I wish they would go away!  And once I got to the store, I pulled myself together and went in and pretended to be okay. 

Inside the store (Target), I walked past the little girl’s clothing department, and normally, I would smile and say, “Oh how cute!” but this time I fought back tears and walked like a zombie through the store, not knowing why the heck I was even there.   

Oh yeah, I had to buy feminine napkins.  That’s why I was there.  And as I was standing there trying to figure out the coupons for it, I got pissed that I even had to buy them.  I am supposed to be pregnant right now, gosh darn it!  I shouldn’t need these for 6 more months!

Then the BIG hurt.  The pregnancy tests are on the same aisle as the feminine napkins and I longingly looked down the aisle at them and I see a couple approach, obviously very excited.  They looked for a minute, grabbed a pregnancy test, and walked away smiling. Sign.

I know.  This is a depressing post.  Sorry, but I know I am not the only one. 

And I feel a lot better now that it is written. 

Okay, that’s it, I’m out.

Marriage

I thought I would put in my two sense on the effects of infertility on marriage.  I have been really pondering this subject and have been glad to see other blogs have had the same thought as me.  It's as if we are all on the same page!  I think I have a unique perspective which I will share in the 2nd part, but my 1st part is probably not new and something we've all figured out which is men react differently to coping then us women.

Part 1:

Although, this infertility thing is new to me, I will say that no matter how supportive (and let me note my hubby is VERY supportive) your husband is, infertilty causes a strain on a marriage.  My husband got over the grief in a matter days, no strike that, hours after the surgery.  Or so it seemed.  He said that he coped in his own way (aka hunting).  But because he wasn't sad or crying over it like I was, I thought it wasn't as a big deal to him as it was for me.  He didn't want to talk about it, to relive those feelings.  He would listen to me, but he didn't grieve with me.  Later on I realized that just because he wasn't coping or grieving the way I expected him or wanted him to cope or grieve didn't mean that he wasn't coping, grieving, and hurting.  Even knowing this, almost two months later I still find it hard not to be frustrated at times, that as I cry every day, he seems to be okay.  But then I remember this:

Part 2

I chose him to be my husband and because of that we will get through this.  Together.  Let me explain why this is HUGE people!  My ethnic background is Cambodian.  My dear Mother endured horrific tragedies in order to escape out of the Vietnam War and come to America.  Her trials are extraordinary, far worse than any trials I have gone through or hope to go through.  When she got here, she was 19, her family was poor, and the custom back then was to have an arranged marriage. In order for her family to survive, her mother (my grandmother), made an arrangement for her to be married to the first suitor who could provide a specific monetary amount.  My dear father, had seen my mother, fell in love with her and was determined to marry her.  He was, too, poor, and might I add the only adopted son in a family of 9 kids.  There was several suitors, but my father was the first to come up with the money. So, to make a long story short, my parents were married.  My mom at 19 was married to someone she barely knew and was over a decade older than her.  I never realized the meaning of this until a few years after I had been married.  To love someone and to be in with love someone are two different things.  Having a choice to who you marry is something I think we Americans forget and take for granted.  I can not imagine the emotions that go along with an arranged marriage for both sides.  My guess is there not many support groups for this or blogs on this subject.  I may be wrong, but it is not something you hear about often and I know how lonely it feels to be infertile, but I can't imagine going through this with someone I did not choose to go through this with. My parents are extremely good people and I know now they love each other.  And it all works out, trust me, one of the most beautiful moments I have ever witnessed is their sealing in the temple 3 years ago.  Tomorrow, is their anniversary, they will have been married for 28 years. I love them dearly and hope through their story you have learned that no matter how rough it gets in your marriage, remember that it was your choice, YOU chose that man to be your husband.  Don't take that for granted.

Grief

As you probably noticed in my prior post I have been desperately wishing for this grief process to be over. 

I KNOW that everything will be okay, but I have struggled with the fact that if I know this, then why am I still so sad, so emotional, and dare I say it, in dispair? 

I found out this answer today after discussing this with my grief counselor.  (For those of you struggling with ANYTHING, I am a huge advocate of seeking help, namely from a trained counselor, therapist, or physciatrist.  There is no shame in asking for help.)

So the answer is:

Grief will take longer than most people think it will.

Grief will take more energy than a person ever imagined.

I know this is pretty simple and duh statements, but my counselor went on to relate it with this analogy that really made a whole lot of sense:

If you broke your arm and your arm was healing, would you be able to make your arm heal any quicker?  No.  You would have to let it heal naturally and then eventually, go through physical therapy in order to have your arm back to normal conditions. If you didn't your arm may hurt worse or hurt for a longer period of time or never completely heal.  This is the same for grief.  You can't hurry up the process.  You have to allow yourself to heal naturally and go through all of the stages and emotions of grief.  If you don't you will still continue to be broken and prolong the process.  This does not mean that later on the road you will not cry or feel sad because of infertility. Just remember that grieving, healing, and coping are all different.  If you try to quicken the healing process just to "get over it" you are just hurting yourself, so please allow yourselves to feel the pain.  I know it is hard. Just know that I pray for all of you who are hurting.

Dixie Chicks "So Hard"

It helps to know you aren't the only one. This song really lifted me up today.