One Year

It hurts to think about what we went through, what we are still going through, and for what lies ahead.

I sometimes try to find the humor in the situation just to get through those moments, you know the one that stings and tears start to fill up and really you just don’t feel like going through all that again.  Just when you think have you have no more tears left to cry, somehow they find a way to break through.

Its hard not to think of what you would have been.

I prayed for you constantly to be healthy, but no matter how many prayers were for you, it just wasn’t part of His plan for us to raise you here on this Earth.

I have to accept that.

But today, when my arms are empty, they long for your tenderness, your warmth, and for the joy I know you would have brought into our lives.

As I look at pictures of my adorable nieces and nephews it hits me on what I’m missing out on… with you.

I know I can’t dwell on the what if’s, but today I can because one year ago you changed my life.  

I can’t forget that.

And tomorrow… well, tomorrow is a new day and I will smile tomorrow.

Reflection

I feel like I have lost all sense of time.  It was probably a week before Thanksgiving I started weeping some private tears for no apparent reason at all.  I didn’t understand, I was content and happy, so it didn’t make sense.  And yes I have to add, throughout this year there has been happy times. 

Yes, there are good days.

It’s hard to remember that when it seems that I only post when I’m hurting or going through a rough time, I really need to write more when  life is good.  It’s a new goal for me for the New Year, but for now I’ll excuse myself because it still is only the first year and I am still coping, dealing.  And that’s ok.  There is no exact timeline for grief. 

Anyway, back to my weepiness.  I didn’t realize what the tears were for until someone had mentioned that Thanksgiving was coming up, so I looked at the calendar and in complete shock Thanksgiving was a week away!  I am telling you, I was in utter disbelief.  Where did this year ago?  And then it dawned on me, a year ago this time, I was pregnant.  Thanksgiving last year, yeah, pregnant.  The following Monday after Thanksgiving I found out I was pregnant.  That day I told my husband and it was the happiest moment I can remember.  Pure complete joy.  That week I was on cloud 9.  I felt like I was on top of the universe.  And then as quickly as the joy appeared, it vanished quicker than I could blink.  It’s true when they say, “Your life can change in a second.” 

So as you can see these past couple of weeks have been tougher than I could have imagined.  Relieving the emotions of one year ago has been a lot tougher than the due date, which is what I dreaded.  Maybe because this is tangible.  It happened.  Then it dawned on me. 

It’s been almost a year and I am still alive.

This didn’t kill me.

In fact, quite the opposite, it’s made me a stronger person.  I have learned more about myself this year than I have ever in my entire life.  I am closer to God now than I have ever been before.  I have learned that I have no control in anything in  my life, therefore I have no other option but to rely on the true essence of faith.  In the end, it’s all about perspective. I can look back on this year as the hardest year of my life or the most rewarding year of my life.  I choose the latter. 

"When something bad happens, you have three choices.

You can let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you".