Finding peace in the journey

This summer I learned a lot of things about myself and the infertility journey.  

The biggest one occurred during a time I least expected.

August 4, 2011.

I dreaded this day. 

It would have been my due date.

I had no idea how I would be this day.  I honestly just thought I would be a wreck. 

That day came.  And not only did I grieve the loss of our baby, but I grieved the loss of my grandmother who raised me.  She passed away the week before and I had to fly out of state to plan her entire funeral.  I hadn’t let myself grieve for her because I was so focused on planning thee perfect funeral, so when I finally could it happened to be the same time our baby was due.

I was not a wreck.

I cried and grieved and was sad like a normal person would.

I felt some very strong emotions, but the following Sunday was fast Sunday and these very strong emotions got the best of me (or it was the Spirit). It made me go up and bear my testimony. And folks, this is a big deal.  I don’t do that.  I hate to admit that the last time I bore my testimony was 13 years ago!  I know that’s bad, but this is completely beside the point.  As I sat down after bearing my testimony this overwhelming sense of peace came over me.  Something I had not felt since that day I had surgery.

The peace I felt was so strong.

So overwhelming

and

so unexpected.

I realized that God does have a plan for me.  That it really did work out.  My goal was to have a baby before my grandmother passed away so she could see our baby, hold our baby, love our baby.  If it was a girl we were going to name it after her.  I desperately wanted that more than anything.  When I found out that I was pregnant in November I just knew that my baby had made it in time to meet my grandma.  My grandma wasn’t sick, but she wasn’t getting any younger either.  When I had loss the baby and then heard I could no longer have kids I knew that my dream of her meeting our child would not happen. 

Then she passed away a week before my due date and I realized 

she did get to meet our baby.

She got to meet our baby even before we did.

She gets to hold our baby.

Love our baby.

Take care of our baby until it’s our turn to reunite.

And the thought of her holding hands with our baby and never leaving his or her 

side brings me so much comfort.  

This thought brought me the peace I so needed. 

One day the Lord will reveal all things.

(D&C 101: 32-36)

God does have a plan for each and every one of us.

We just have to have the faith to do His will.

You will find peace too.

No matter what trial you are going through, whatever journey you are on, 

I know that everyone needs peace.  It will come. 

It does not mean that your trials will no longer hurt you or make you sad, it simply means you KNOW everything will work out in the end. Remember that if it doesn’t it’s not the end.

**Editor’s note: I wrote this post June 20,2011, but for some unknown reason it was in my draft folders.  Silly me I must have left my brain somewhere else this past summer.  Anyway, after re-reading it I decided I should hit publish.**

Excuse my hiatus

It’s me again.  

Yes, I am still alive.  

I know I have been quiet, but I needed some time to think.  

And that’s exactly what I did. 

I have been trying to find myself again; trying to find what it really means to lose the dream of being a Mother in my prior definition of motherhood. 

I have been trying to accept the things which I cannot control.

I have been trying to wipe away the thoughts of wondering what it would be like right now if I was still pregnant.  I would be almost 8 months along…

I am still dealing with all the stages of grief.  I wish I could say that time has helped, but what I did not know was that school was a REALLY good distraction and now that I am out, the sadness has increased.

The anger, the guilt, the blame, the sadness…still there.  Not everyday, but enough to know life is unfair and I wish I wasn’t going through this.

But on my journey to find peace, I know one thing for sure and that God hasn’t left me.  

He is still by my side.  He has a plan for me.  And that plan gives me HOPE. 

He has a plan for you, too.

 I know everyone has their trials and some days it is rough, but we’ll get through it.