I went to my ward and stayed the whole sacrament meeting. I sat in the back and initially, I thought it wasn't so bad, but then sacrament was passed out and there was silence. Then the cute little kids in the pews in front me were being too darn cute, and I became envious and hurt and the tears just came. I wanted to walk out. I get embarrassed when I cry, but I made myself stay. I knew this was something I had to do. I had been feeling like I needed to go back to my ward and face it. I needed to face all the pregnant couples, the babies, the people that know about what happened, but I don't know they know, the being different from all of them, and the uncomfortable feeling as if there is an elephant in the room. The past few months, I have been hopping from ward to ward so that I could take sacrament and go to church, but that has made me feel even more alone. But no more.
I did it. And now I am proud of myself for doing it. This was a really huge step for me and slowly it has been getting better. It hasn't been any easier, but now at least there is some sense of peace in knowing that I am dealing with it, I am overcoming my fears and trials, and I WILL BE okay.
2 comments:
It's funny how, even now, the pain sneaks up on me. I consider myself "healed" from the bitterness and pain of infertility, but even today, I cried when a baby was blessed. I don't know where it came from, but there it was: pain in my heart. The important thing is to do what you are already doing, and just keep pushing forward.
I just found this blog. You aren't alone about hating church when your infertile. I use to go and take sacrament and go and wait in the car. I did that for several years. Sometimes I didn't get out. Relief Society was the worst because we lived in a college ward. Good luck on your adoption journey. It is so worth it. Mourn what your biological children would have been like. That was the hardest part for me. I really had to let that go before I started adoption process.
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