Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That’s how I felt at church today.

For some reason going to church is a reminder that I can’t have kids.  Maybe because there are so many pregnant ladies at church or maybe because that is where we have been drilled in our heads that we must replenish and multiply the Earth.  As much as I have been doing much better with the idea of me not being able to have kids, there is still a wave a hurt that hits me when people talk about pregnancy or announce their pregnancy.  I know it is big part of life, so it is a subject that is hard not to be spoken of in church, but today was worse than others.

It seemed like there were so many people who announced pregnancies today.  It seemed like that was what everyone talked about.  And in relief society there was cheering and clapping when someone shared that they were pregnant.  Don’t get me wrong, I am at a point where I am truly happy for people.  It is a happy time and people deserve to enjoy it.  I can’t blame someone for not knowing what it is like to be on the other side.  I would certainly hope that one day if I do get to have a miracle and get pregnant that people would be happy for me.  But it’s the wave of hurt knowing I can’t experience that.  It’s the feeling like an outcast.  I wonder if I will ever get the chance to be that excited and share my pregnancy news.  Then I think if I adopt, will people be just as excited for me? Will it be similar to having my own baby or will people react differently because it’s not the same as having my own child? 

In those moments like today, I don’t know how to react.  I am excited and happy for those who are beaming with pregnancy glow, but at the same time I am fighting back tears.  It’s an awkward and lonely spot to be in.  But I know I am not alone. I know that these feelings are normal and that one day I will be a mom.  And for now, I am just glad to have HOPE again.

Love this poem*

LIFE…

Life is full of unexpected changes.

It’s not always fair.

Keep your faith high to avoid feeling 

too low and defeated.

Who ever is around you, influences you.

What ever thoughts you think about, define you.

What ever feelings you have the most, control you.

If you want to have more success, peace and progress inyour life, you can start right now…

Whatever challenges you face, God will show you His grace

Whatever you start…finish it.

Whatever you promise…deliver it.

Whomever you love…show it.

Whatever you pray…believe it.

Whatever you earn…save some of it.

Whenever you fall…get back up.

Whatever you do…do it with quality and enthusiasm.

Whatever you have…be grateful for it.

Whatever you want…work for it.

Whatever you lose…get over it.

Personal storms and bad weather 

happen in everyone’s life.

It is not during the calm waters that a sailor learns how to master the sea.

It is during the storm that he learns his skills.

And so it is with your faith.

It will be tested and you can only learn how to use it during the difficult times…

not when life is smooth and comfortable.

-unknown

Waiting: My thoughts on adoption today*

There are only a few times in my life that I have felt the Spirit so strongly.  One vivid account was when I was told that we needed to move to Cambodia.   I still have no idea why that was.

As far as adoption goes, I have always felt we needed to adopt.  I just didn’t know that we would have to adopt.

But, nevertheless, I have felt the Spirit so strongly tell me throughout my life that adoption was part of our plan and again, shortly after having surgery and being told we couldn’t have children.

I am overwhelmed with emotion each time I think of the day that our child’s birthparents choose us; acknowledging that we are indeed the child’s parent’s. 

I am overwhelmed to know that there will be a beautifully long emotional, painful, and joyful story that will come with finding our child.

I am overwhelmed to think that our child may already be waiting for us and we don’t know it.

Or maybe he or she is still waiting in heaven.

I am overwhelmed to know that someone’s excruciating pain will be my dream true.

I am overcomed with emotion to think of the day when my husband and I will go to the temple, in all of its sacredness and beauty, to bring our child there to be sealed to us for all time and eternity.

I am so anxious for us to meet the rest of our family.

So why then is he telling me to wait?

He says,

“My child, I have given you the answers of what you must do.  It is not time yet.  

You must wait.”

To which I say,

“But Heavenly Father, we have waited for sooooooo long.  We’ve been married for 6 ½ years and we have been making plans about starting our family, even before we were married.  We’ve dreamt of this day.  We tried for so long.  Months of months of negative pregnancy tests, to finally get a positive (!), only to have it bring upon devastation.  We so desperately want to start our family.  We want to fill that gap that has been missing in our family for what seems like it has been there for longer than I can bear.  We want to move towards completing our family.”

He responds,

“You are a child of God.  And as child on Earth, you simply cannot understand everything I know, which includes my timing.  Like a child you will not be able to understand why things must be done this way.  It wouldn’t make sense and it may not even be fully revealed to you until you return back to me.  Have faith in knowing I have a plan for you.  Wait.”

Waiting is part of the process of becoming what God wants us to be.

-Unknown

So I am waiting.  

And waiting.

This Weekend

What is wrong with me? 

I have been fighting back tears all day.  My eyes fill up with tears as I am driving, studying, volunteering, cooking, cleaning, getting ready, shopping.  Enough already.  People are looking at me as if I am crazy.  And I do feel crazy because I have been a lot better.  At least I think I have made some progress in the grieving department.  It is like a freaking rollercoaster ride that never ends.  The hardest part is that the only thing I can think of that explains this downhill ride is that my youngest brother-in-law is getting married tomorrow.  I chose to not go to the wedding because I knew how emotional it would be for me to see family for the first time since losing the pregnancy.  I was so torn about not going because I really like the girl he is marrying and felt I should be there to support them on their big day, but in the end I realized it would how reversed all of the progress I have made emotionally.  I just can’t go back to the despair that I was in.  I don’t ever want to go back to that ugly dark place again.  I know that I had to do what was best for me and I made the right decision, especially now that I am tearing up at everything and anything.

I should be happy for them, right?  I am happy that he has found a great girl to marry, but I can’t help but think life is so so so unfair.  (I am aware that I sound like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum.)

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew he had started dating someone and intuition told me that he was going to marry her.  In my mind I was so relieved I had gotten pregnant and felt like according to my life plan things were working out perfectly.  I would definitely have kids before my youngest brother-in-law would.  It was only fair.  It was only right.  That was the plan.  But then the same weekend I lost the baby and found out we couldn’t have kids, he got engaged to his girlfriend, and as I was trying to process the events all I could think of is how he will probably have a child before we are ready or able to even adopt.  I can’t help but think of how painful that day will be to know that their happiness of starting their family will be extremely devastating to me.  It’s like a sword through my heart every time I think of it.

Tomorrow is his day.  I know he has waited a long time to find the one and I should be happy for him, but for me it is symbolic of how life is so unfair. I know this shouldn’t be about me and I can’t believe I am writing this, but if someone can relate to this and it helps them then it was worth writing.

I am a bad person for feeling this way.  I know.  But I can’t help it.

So, blogworld friends, any advice on getting over this?  (I still have tomorrow and Sunday to deal with this!)

Bugged

I am no where ready to be okay with adoption.  The idea of accepting that you may never have your own biological children because you are adopting is so overwhelming.  To make that transition into “I can’t have my own children”, so now we are “going to adopt” is extremely difficult.  I don’t think people realize this shift that we have go through mentally and emotionally.  One day I know I will get there and the thought of adopting often times excites me, but the meaning of it right now is different to me and I am just simply not at the stage where I am ready to adopt.

With that being said, now that I am returning into the real world (and not hiding out at school and home) people are starting to find out that we are infertile and that in the future we plan on adopting.  I know that people don’t want to talk about it with us because they don’t know what to say or they don’t want to say the wrong thing or they think we don’t want to talk about it.  This is all awkward.  I don’t mind talking about it, in fact I want to talk about it.  So far, I have had quite a few people that have opened up my eyes as to how much they do understand based on friends or family who have been through this or because they are infertile themselves or because they have worked with adoptions in the past.  Of course, no one can truly understand unless they are going through it themselves, but for the most part it is nice to know that they have an idea of the pain I am going through. 

I think the best thing you can do when you know someone who is infertile is to acknowledge their pain, (no matter how long it is they have been dealing with it).  Maybe they don’t show their pain and they look okay on the outside, but trust me if your infertile there is pain.  Real gut-wrenching pain.  You don’t have to try to cheer them up, all they want is acknowledgement and someone to talk to.  At least it is that way for me (maybe I shouldn’t refer to all infertiles in this).

    

The worst thing you can do is blow off their pain.  Here are some examples of what people have said about us adopting that really bug me:

“Your adopting!  That is so great!  I wish we could adopt.” (Really?  You wish you could adopt? Guess what?  You can adopt AND you can have your own biological children.  The only reason you aren’t adopting is because you CAN and HAVE your own biological children, so why would you?  We can’t, this is our only option.)

“Your adopting!  That is a great thing!  You shouldn’t be sad, that is happy news!”  (The way they say that “it is a great thing” is making it sound like you are doing charity work by adopting.  Yeah this offends me because it is extremely sacred, by no way is it charity.  And I shouldn’t be sad?  Do you know what it does to person when they are told that it will take a miracle to have your own biological children?  A MIRACLE!!  The doctor wouldn’t even say that we have a 1% chance of having our own kids, instead she used the term a miracle, which to me is even less than a 1% chance.  Do you have any idea what pain is involved with being told that the main reason you were placed on this Earth is to procreate and your body physically can’t do it?  Do you have any idea of the grief that is involved as an individual, as a women, as a married couple to realize your biggest dream has been ripped away from you?  Do you have any idea how emotional the process of adoption is?  Someone picks you for their child they carried for 9 months, as you sit and wait and wait and wait to picked.  It could be 1 month or it could be 10 years.  Your trying so hard to live your life, but at the same time waiting.)

Okay, I am done venting. 

(I know that it seems like an angry post, but believe it or not I am actually in good mood today.)

I feel better.

Blogging is great.

I did it...

I went to my ward and stayed the whole sacrament meeting.  I sat in the back and initially, I thought it wasn't so bad, but then sacrament was passed out and there was silence.  Then the cute little kids in the pews in front me were being too darn cute, and I became envious and hurt and the tears just came.  I wanted to walk out.  I get embarrassed when I cry, but I made myself stay.  I knew this was something I had to do.  I had been feeling like I needed to go back to my ward and face it.  I needed to face all the pregnant couples, the babies, the people that know about what happened, but I don't know they know, the being different from all of them, and the uncomfortable feeling as if there is an elephant in the room. The past few months, I have been hopping from ward to ward so that I could take sacrament and go to church, but that has made me feel even more alone.  But no more.

I did it.  And now I am proud of myself for doing it.  This was a really huge step for me and slowly it has been getting better.  It hasn't been any easier, but now at least there is some sense of peace in knowing that I am dealing with it, I am overcoming my fears and trials, and I WILL BE okay.

Infertility Steps

One thing I have learned about infertility so far is that you literally have to take it one hour at a time. 

Today was a good example of that.  I had a good morning and afternoon, despite shelling out a gazillon dollars to fix our car.  I have been feeling a little more normal this week.  But then this evening as I was looking over my calendar I realized that tomorrow I have an OB/GYN appointment to follow up on my surgery, discuss endometriosis, talk about birth control, talk about infertility, etc….. 

Then that stupid sharp pain in my heart came again, so I quickly got busy and I was okay, but then I ran errands.  In the car I found myself with tears falling down my face.  Oh those ugly wet things, I wish they would go away!  And once I got to the store, I pulled myself together and went in and pretended to be okay. 

Inside the store (Target), I walked past the little girl’s clothing department, and normally, I would smile and say, “Oh how cute!” but this time I fought back tears and walked like a zombie through the store, not knowing why the heck I was even there.   

Oh yeah, I had to buy feminine napkins.  That’s why I was there.  And as I was standing there trying to figure out the coupons for it, I got pissed that I even had to buy them.  I am supposed to be pregnant right now, gosh darn it!  I shouldn’t need these for 6 more months!

Then the BIG hurt.  The pregnancy tests are on the same aisle as the feminine napkins and I longingly looked down the aisle at them and I see a couple approach, obviously very excited.  They looked for a minute, grabbed a pregnancy test, and walked away smiling. Sign.

I know.  This is a depressing post.  Sorry, but I know I am not the only one. 

And I feel a lot better now that it is written. 

Okay, that’s it, I’m out.