What is wrong with me?
I have been fighting back tears all day. My eyes fill up with tears as I am driving, studying, volunteering, cooking, cleaning, getting ready, shopping. Enough already. People are looking at me as if I am crazy. And I do feel crazy because I have been a lot better. At least I think I have made some progress in the grieving department. It is like a freaking rollercoaster ride that never ends. The hardest part is that the only thing I can think of that explains this downhill ride is that my youngest brother-in-law is getting married tomorrow. I chose to not go to the wedding because I knew how emotional it would be for me to see family for the first time since losing the pregnancy. I was so torn about not going because I really like the girl he is marrying and felt I should be there to support them on their big day, but in the end I realized it would how reversed all of the progress I have made emotionally. I just can’t go back to the despair that I was in. I don’t ever want to go back to that ugly dark place again. I know that I had to do what was best for me and I made the right decision, especially now that I am tearing up at everything and anything.
I should be happy for them, right? I am happy that he has found a great girl to marry, but I can’t help but think life is so so so unfair. (I am aware that I sound like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum.)
When I found out I was pregnant, I knew he had started dating someone and intuition told me that he was going to marry her. In my mind I was so relieved I had gotten pregnant and felt like according to my life plan things were working out perfectly. I would definitely have kids before my youngest brother-in-law would. It was only fair. It was only right. That was the plan. But then the same weekend I lost the baby and found out we couldn’t have kids, he got engaged to his girlfriend, and as I was trying to process the events all I could think of is how he will probably have a child before we are ready or able to even adopt. I can’t help but think of how painful that day will be to know that their happiness of starting their family will be extremely devastating to me. It’s like a sword through my heart every time I think of it.
Tomorrow is his day. I know he has waited a long time to find the one and I should be happy for him, but for me it is symbolic of how life is so unfair. I know this shouldn’t be about me and I can’t believe I am writing this, but if someone can relate to this and it helps them then it was worth writing.
I am a bad person for feeling this way. I know. But I can’t help it.
So, blogworld friends, any advice on getting over this? (I still have tomorrow and Sunday to deal with this!)
2 comments:
I don't really have any advice, only empathy. I'm really sorry you are feeling so sad. I kind of think of the pain of infertility as a cycle. You go through each grieving stage so many times, and so many times you think you are okay, and then you are hit with something else that starts the cycle over again. The important thing is to try to make each cycle a little less painful than the last, and eventually they won't hurt as bad. ((HUGS))
You know, for me, the HARDEST thing about infertility is the getting left behind part. It is so difficult for me to watch the people I love start their families, knowing that I can't have that as well. It used to make me feel horrible that I had such an envious side to my pain. But I am working on it. And the thing I have found that helps most is to give myself the space I need. Sometimes I can't go to weddings. Sometimes I can't go to children's birthday parties. I really truly cannot go to a baby shower. And that is okay! The people I love understand why I need some distance sometimes. After I have a little bit of time, then I can be happy and celebrate with them. So don't feel bad, friend! I have a feeling that infertility brings those feelings out in most people!
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