I did it...

I went to my ward and stayed the whole sacrament meeting.  I sat in the back and initially, I thought it wasn't so bad, but then sacrament was passed out and there was silence.  Then the cute little kids in the pews in front me were being too darn cute, and I became envious and hurt and the tears just came.  I wanted to walk out.  I get embarrassed when I cry, but I made myself stay.  I knew this was something I had to do.  I had been feeling like I needed to go back to my ward and face it.  I needed to face all the pregnant couples, the babies, the people that know about what happened, but I don't know they know, the being different from all of them, and the uncomfortable feeling as if there is an elephant in the room. The past few months, I have been hopping from ward to ward so that I could take sacrament and go to church, but that has made me feel even more alone.  But no more.

I did it.  And now I am proud of myself for doing it.  This was a really huge step for me and slowly it has been getting better.  It hasn't been any easier, but now at least there is some sense of peace in knowing that I am dealing with it, I am overcoming my fears and trials, and I WILL BE okay.

Infertility Steps

One thing I have learned about infertility so far is that you literally have to take it one hour at a time. 

Today was a good example of that.  I had a good morning and afternoon, despite shelling out a gazillon dollars to fix our car.  I have been feeling a little more normal this week.  But then this evening as I was looking over my calendar I realized that tomorrow I have an OB/GYN appointment to follow up on my surgery, discuss endometriosis, talk about birth control, talk about infertility, etc….. 

Then that stupid sharp pain in my heart came again, so I quickly got busy and I was okay, but then I ran errands.  In the car I found myself with tears falling down my face.  Oh those ugly wet things, I wish they would go away!  And once I got to the store, I pulled myself together and went in and pretended to be okay. 

Inside the store (Target), I walked past the little girl’s clothing department, and normally, I would smile and say, “Oh how cute!” but this time I fought back tears and walked like a zombie through the store, not knowing why the heck I was even there.   

Oh yeah, I had to buy feminine napkins.  That’s why I was there.  And as I was standing there trying to figure out the coupons for it, I got pissed that I even had to buy them.  I am supposed to be pregnant right now, gosh darn it!  I shouldn’t need these for 6 more months!

Then the BIG hurt.  The pregnancy tests are on the same aisle as the feminine napkins and I longingly looked down the aisle at them and I see a couple approach, obviously very excited.  They looked for a minute, grabbed a pregnancy test, and walked away smiling. Sign.

I know.  This is a depressing post.  Sorry, but I know I am not the only one. 

And I feel a lot better now that it is written. 

Okay, that’s it, I’m out.