Two Years

Two years ago today, my life changed forever.  I lost a baby and I found out having one would be a challenge. I can still remember shivering in the emergency room and every single minute leading up to the surgery when I lost a piece of me.  It’s only natural that I’ve been pretty blue for the past few weeks, okay months, but this time the pain is different.  This time, more than anything, I just miss my babies.  I miss the one I lost.  I miss the ones we are going to have.  How do I describe it?  It’s like when you miss someone so bad it literally hurts.  When your spouse is gone for a long time on a business trip or when you haven’t seen your family in a long time.  It’s a homesick heartbreak ache all in one. 

You would think that since we are approved to adopt and published online, this would be easier.  It was, at first, but as this anniversary date drew nearer, the peace I once felt about waiting to be chosen gradually slipped away.  Now, every time I check my email and every time the phone rings, there’s a hope, an excitement, that it’s a birthparent reaching out to us or our social worker calling to tell us good news.  And each and every time, there is a let down.  It’s tormenting. I’m at a point of begging and pleading to Him to please let it be time.  The hardest part is I know it’s not, because it’s not according to my time. And the weirdest thing of all is I am grateful it’s not.

Oh Happy Day

As y'all probably know, we've been waiting and waiting and waiting for the time that it felt right to start adopting.  It has been hard to know that we are going to adopt, but not know when we could move forward in that direction. I was starting to think that God's timing was too loooooong and that we would never get a confirmation from him to start the adoption process and then BAM! One day out of no where, we BOTH felt it was right to start the paper work. The key word here is BOTH. It would always be I was ready and the hubby wouldn't be or he would be ready and then I wouldn't be.

So here we are completely done with our paperwork, home study, and interviews. It took us a little over month to get everything done and now we are just waiting on our social worker to finish some stuff on her side and we will be officially approved and published any day now.

I am so excited for this chapter to unfold that I think I may burst. 

Good things are coming. I can feel it.

Time for some ed-u-macation

I know folks, it's been a while, so here's the quick 30 second low-down on my life and the reason for this post.

The hubs and I have moved to HAWAII!
We've been here for  two months, attending BYU.
And loving it!
I am up to my eyeballs in classes.  7 of them to be exact!
Overwhelmed does not begin to describe the stress I am under.
But it will go by oh so fast, because both of us graduate next April.

On to the good stuff.
Adoption. Our new social worker is beyond amazing.
I have never heard so many people say so many great things about a lady.
We met her and instantly loved her.
She is about the cutest little Asian lady I have ever met.
She is just beaming with the Spirit and has so much positivity I bet if she bursted
happiness would just shoot out everywhere.
Truly, I wish I can carry her around in my pocket, she is a doll.
Okay got the point, on how much I love her?

Time for us to educate.

When we met with her for our joint interview she told us of some very disturbing numbers.

She said that out of 100 births, 1 is placed for adoption, 

and pound the drums people this is

unbelievable... 

50 are aborted.

There are so many great couples who are hoping to adopt.  To think of how many children were meant to go to homes of these deserving couples, but because those who are facing an unwanted pregnancy don't know where to turn for resources on options they may make a decision in where they are not well informed.  PLEASE tell them about LDS family services.  They will give free counseling and give them all the options.  The person does not need to be a member and LDS Family Services will not force them on any choice.  They are simply there to provide options.  So please let everyone know. 

 It's the only way we  can educate and make a difference.

One Year

It hurts to think about what we went through, what we are still going through, and for what lies ahead.

I sometimes try to find the humor in the situation just to get through those moments, you know the one that stings and tears start to fill up and really you just don’t feel like going through all that again.  Just when you think have you have no more tears left to cry, somehow they find a way to break through.

Its hard not to think of what you would have been.

I prayed for you constantly to be healthy, but no matter how many prayers were for you, it just wasn’t part of His plan for us to raise you here on this Earth.

I have to accept that.

But today, when my arms are empty, they long for your tenderness, your warmth, and for the joy I know you would have brought into our lives.

As I look at pictures of my adorable nieces and nephews it hits me on what I’m missing out on… with you.

I know I can’t dwell on the what if’s, but today I can because one year ago you changed my life.  

I can’t forget that.

And tomorrow… well, tomorrow is a new day and I will smile tomorrow.

Reflection

I feel like I have lost all sense of time.  It was probably a week before Thanksgiving I started weeping some private tears for no apparent reason at all.  I didn’t understand, I was content and happy, so it didn’t make sense.  And yes I have to add, throughout this year there has been happy times. 

Yes, there are good days.

It’s hard to remember that when it seems that I only post when I’m hurting or going through a rough time, I really need to write more when  life is good.  It’s a new goal for me for the New Year, but for now I’ll excuse myself because it still is only the first year and I am still coping, dealing.  And that’s ok.  There is no exact timeline for grief. 

Anyway, back to my weepiness.  I didn’t realize what the tears were for until someone had mentioned that Thanksgiving was coming up, so I looked at the calendar and in complete shock Thanksgiving was a week away!  I am telling you, I was in utter disbelief.  Where did this year ago?  And then it dawned on me, a year ago this time, I was pregnant.  Thanksgiving last year, yeah, pregnant.  The following Monday after Thanksgiving I found out I was pregnant.  That day I told my husband and it was the happiest moment I can remember.  Pure complete joy.  That week I was on cloud 9.  I felt like I was on top of the universe.  And then as quickly as the joy appeared, it vanished quicker than I could blink.  It’s true when they say, “Your life can change in a second.” 

So as you can see these past couple of weeks have been tougher than I could have imagined.  Relieving the emotions of one year ago has been a lot tougher than the due date, which is what I dreaded.  Maybe because this is tangible.  It happened.  Then it dawned on me. 

It’s been almost a year and I am still alive.

This didn’t kill me.

In fact, quite the opposite, it’s made me a stronger person.  I have learned more about myself this year than I have ever in my entire life.  I am closer to God now than I have ever been before.  I have learned that I have no control in anything in  my life, therefore I have no other option but to rely on the true essence of faith.  In the end, it’s all about perspective. I can look back on this year as the hardest year of my life or the most rewarding year of my life.  I choose the latter. 

"When something bad happens, you have three choices.

You can let it define you, let it destroy you or let it strengthen you".

Finding peace in the journey

This summer I learned a lot of things about myself and the infertility journey.  

The biggest one occurred during a time I least expected.

August 4, 2011.

I dreaded this day. 

It would have been my due date.

I had no idea how I would be this day.  I honestly just thought I would be a wreck. 

That day came.  And not only did I grieve the loss of our baby, but I grieved the loss of my grandmother who raised me.  She passed away the week before and I had to fly out of state to plan her entire funeral.  I hadn’t let myself grieve for her because I was so focused on planning thee perfect funeral, so when I finally could it happened to be the same time our baby was due.

I was not a wreck.

I cried and grieved and was sad like a normal person would.

I felt some very strong emotions, but the following Sunday was fast Sunday and these very strong emotions got the best of me (or it was the Spirit). It made me go up and bear my testimony. And folks, this is a big deal.  I don’t do that.  I hate to admit that the last time I bore my testimony was 13 years ago!  I know that’s bad, but this is completely beside the point.  As I sat down after bearing my testimony this overwhelming sense of peace came over me.  Something I had not felt since that day I had surgery.

The peace I felt was so strong.

So overwhelming

and

so unexpected.

I realized that God does have a plan for me.  That it really did work out.  My goal was to have a baby before my grandmother passed away so she could see our baby, hold our baby, love our baby.  If it was a girl we were going to name it after her.  I desperately wanted that more than anything.  When I found out that I was pregnant in November I just knew that my baby had made it in time to meet my grandma.  My grandma wasn’t sick, but she wasn’t getting any younger either.  When I had loss the baby and then heard I could no longer have kids I knew that my dream of her meeting our child would not happen. 

Then she passed away a week before my due date and I realized 

she did get to meet our baby.

She got to meet our baby even before we did.

She gets to hold our baby.

Love our baby.

Take care of our baby until it’s our turn to reunite.

And the thought of her holding hands with our baby and never leaving his or her 

side brings me so much comfort.  

This thought brought me the peace I so needed. 

One day the Lord will reveal all things.

(D&C 101: 32-36)

God does have a plan for each and every one of us.

We just have to have the faith to do His will.

You will find peace too.

No matter what trial you are going through, whatever journey you are on, 

I know that everyone needs peace.  It will come. 

It does not mean that your trials will no longer hurt you or make you sad, it simply means you KNOW everything will work out in the end. Remember that if it doesn’t it’s not the end.

**Editor’s note: I wrote this post June 20,2011, but for some unknown reason it was in my draft folders.  Silly me I must have left my brain somewhere else this past summer.  Anyway, after re-reading it I decided I should hit publish.**

Excuse my hiatus

It’s me again.  

Yes, I am still alive.  

I know I have been quiet, but I needed some time to think.  

And that’s exactly what I did. 

I have been trying to find myself again; trying to find what it really means to lose the dream of being a Mother in my prior definition of motherhood. 

I have been trying to accept the things which I cannot control.

I have been trying to wipe away the thoughts of wondering what it would be like right now if I was still pregnant.  I would be almost 8 months along…

I am still dealing with all the stages of grief.  I wish I could say that time has helped, but what I did not know was that school was a REALLY good distraction and now that I am out, the sadness has increased.

The anger, the guilt, the blame, the sadness…still there.  Not everyday, but enough to know life is unfair and I wish I wasn’t going through this.

But on my journey to find peace, I know one thing for sure and that God hasn’t left me.  

He is still by my side.  He has a plan for me.  And that plan gives me HOPE. 

He has a plan for you, too.

 I know everyone has their trials and some days it is rough, but we’ll get through it.