That’s how I felt at church today.
For some reason going to church is a reminder that I can’t
have kids. Maybe because there are so
many pregnant ladies at church or maybe because that is where we have been
drilled in our heads that we must replenish and multiply the Earth. As much as I have been doing much better with
the idea of me not being able to have kids, there is still a wave a hurt that
hits me when people talk about pregnancy or announce their pregnancy. I know it is big part of life, so it is a
subject that is hard not to be spoken of in church, but today was worse than
others.
It seemed like there were so many people who announced pregnancies
today. It seemed like that was what everyone
talked about. And in relief society
there was cheering and clapping when someone shared that they were
pregnant. Don’t get me wrong, I am at a
point where I am truly happy for people.
It is a happy time and people
deserve to enjoy it. I can’t blame
someone for not knowing what it is like to be on the other side. I would certainly hope that one day if I do
get to have a miracle and get pregnant that people would be happy for me. But it’s the wave of hurt knowing I can’t
experience that. It’s the feeling like
an outcast. I wonder if I will ever get
the chance to be that excited and share my pregnancy news. Then I think if I adopt, will people be just
as excited for me? Will it be similar to having my own baby or will people
react differently because it’s not the same as having my own child?
In those moments like today, I don’t know how to react. I am excited and happy for those who are
beaming with pregnancy glow, but at the same time I am fighting back
tears. It’s an awkward and lonely spot
to be in. But I know I am not alone. I
know that these feelings are normal and that one day I will be a mom. And for now, I am just glad to have HOPE again.
