This Weekend

What is wrong with me? 

I have been fighting back tears all day.  My eyes fill up with tears as I am driving, studying, volunteering, cooking, cleaning, getting ready, shopping.  Enough already.  People are looking at me as if I am crazy.  And I do feel crazy because I have been a lot better.  At least I think I have made some progress in the grieving department.  It is like a freaking rollercoaster ride that never ends.  The hardest part is that the only thing I can think of that explains this downhill ride is that my youngest brother-in-law is getting married tomorrow.  I chose to not go to the wedding because I knew how emotional it would be for me to see family for the first time since losing the pregnancy.  I was so torn about not going because I really like the girl he is marrying and felt I should be there to support them on their big day, but in the end I realized it would how reversed all of the progress I have made emotionally.  I just can’t go back to the despair that I was in.  I don’t ever want to go back to that ugly dark place again.  I know that I had to do what was best for me and I made the right decision, especially now that I am tearing up at everything and anything.

I should be happy for them, right?  I am happy that he has found a great girl to marry, but I can’t help but think life is so so so unfair.  (I am aware that I sound like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum.)

When I found out I was pregnant, I knew he had started dating someone and intuition told me that he was going to marry her.  In my mind I was so relieved I had gotten pregnant and felt like according to my life plan things were working out perfectly.  I would definitely have kids before my youngest brother-in-law would.  It was only fair.  It was only right.  That was the plan.  But then the same weekend I lost the baby and found out we couldn’t have kids, he got engaged to his girlfriend, and as I was trying to process the events all I could think of is how he will probably have a child before we are ready or able to even adopt.  I can’t help but think of how painful that day will be to know that their happiness of starting their family will be extremely devastating to me.  It’s like a sword through my heart every time I think of it.

Tomorrow is his day.  I know he has waited a long time to find the one and I should be happy for him, but for me it is symbolic of how life is so unfair. I know this shouldn’t be about me and I can’t believe I am writing this, but if someone can relate to this and it helps them then it was worth writing.

I am a bad person for feeling this way.  I know.  But I can’t help it.

So, blogworld friends, any advice on getting over this?  (I still have tomorrow and Sunday to deal with this!)

Bugged

I am no where ready to be okay with adoption.  The idea of accepting that you may never have your own biological children because you are adopting is so overwhelming.  To make that transition into “I can’t have my own children”, so now we are “going to adopt” is extremely difficult.  I don’t think people realize this shift that we have go through mentally and emotionally.  One day I know I will get there and the thought of adopting often times excites me, but the meaning of it right now is different to me and I am just simply not at the stage where I am ready to adopt.

With that being said, now that I am returning into the real world (and not hiding out at school and home) people are starting to find out that we are infertile and that in the future we plan on adopting.  I know that people don’t want to talk about it with us because they don’t know what to say or they don’t want to say the wrong thing or they think we don’t want to talk about it.  This is all awkward.  I don’t mind talking about it, in fact I want to talk about it.  So far, I have had quite a few people that have opened up my eyes as to how much they do understand based on friends or family who have been through this or because they are infertile themselves or because they have worked with adoptions in the past.  Of course, no one can truly understand unless they are going through it themselves, but for the most part it is nice to know that they have an idea of the pain I am going through. 

I think the best thing you can do when you know someone who is infertile is to acknowledge their pain, (no matter how long it is they have been dealing with it).  Maybe they don’t show their pain and they look okay on the outside, but trust me if your infertile there is pain.  Real gut-wrenching pain.  You don’t have to try to cheer them up, all they want is acknowledgement and someone to talk to.  At least it is that way for me (maybe I shouldn’t refer to all infertiles in this).

    

The worst thing you can do is blow off their pain.  Here are some examples of what people have said about us adopting that really bug me:

“Your adopting!  That is so great!  I wish we could adopt.” (Really?  You wish you could adopt? Guess what?  You can adopt AND you can have your own biological children.  The only reason you aren’t adopting is because you CAN and HAVE your own biological children, so why would you?  We can’t, this is our only option.)

“Your adopting!  That is a great thing!  You shouldn’t be sad, that is happy news!”  (The way they say that “it is a great thing” is making it sound like you are doing charity work by adopting.  Yeah this offends me because it is extremely sacred, by no way is it charity.  And I shouldn’t be sad?  Do you know what it does to person when they are told that it will take a miracle to have your own biological children?  A MIRACLE!!  The doctor wouldn’t even say that we have a 1% chance of having our own kids, instead she used the term a miracle, which to me is even less than a 1% chance.  Do you have any idea what pain is involved with being told that the main reason you were placed on this Earth is to procreate and your body physically can’t do it?  Do you have any idea of the grief that is involved as an individual, as a women, as a married couple to realize your biggest dream has been ripped away from you?  Do you have any idea how emotional the process of adoption is?  Someone picks you for their child they carried for 9 months, as you sit and wait and wait and wait to picked.  It could be 1 month or it could be 10 years.  Your trying so hard to live your life, but at the same time waiting.)

Okay, I am done venting. 

(I know that it seems like an angry post, but believe it or not I am actually in good mood today.)

I feel better.

Blogging is great.